Holy Longings

Something that hit me pretty hard last night as I sat in the kitchen with Mike and Jessica, sharing pieces of our lives from home - it is the simple realization that, in order to present to someone or somewhere, we have to be absent in other places.

I got a restless and rambling heart.  Many times I have said that, if I could, I would send it out and let it envelope the whole world, everyone and everything in it.  Haven't quite figured out how to do that trick yet, so I have to content myself with longing for the places and people I miss.

I couldn't be happier in South Dakota.  I am learning so much every day, about who I am and what I believe, about my talents and weaknesses, about my passions and the drive of my heart.  I am meeting beautiful people who are continuing to show me more and more of the face of God, and to hold my heart captivated.  I realized though, that as I am on my own journey, one that is completely and totally right for me at this time, that others who I love and care about are still making their own journeys as we'll.  "Life moves on without us," Jessica said, and she couldn't be more right.

Part of walking my own path is dealing with the sadness and longing that comes with being separated from the people and things I love.  My family is growing up every day.  New boyfriends, college searches, growth spurts - after 4 years of being away for college and missing all of those years of my siblings lives, I continue to only hear about them through phone conversations.  My parents are getting older, and while it may be weird for a son to comment on how much wiser they have seemed to grow (although it was probably just that I was a dumbass and couldn't see it, right mom??), I think they have.  Our relationship ahs completely changed as I have gotten older - and being so far away, I can't just trek off to see Handel's Messiah with my mom during Christmas-time, or grab a beer with my dad and talk about the big questions of life.  Things I cherish and miss terribly.

While in college, I missed a lot of my cousin's growing up, and when the youngest of them was born, I wasn't there for most of it.  With another cousin on the way, I realize that, again, their oldest cousin Michael (or "Mahk-nul" as they used to say when they first started talking) won't be there.  That is a hard thing to swallow.

College brought some great things for me.  Some of my best friends wrote and produced a musical that I had the privilege of being a part of.  Cowboys Don't Sing is the next big thing, for real.  After selling out every show we did at Fordham, we were invited to take it off-Broadway the summer before my senior year.  We killed that show, taking home every award possible for the festival we were a part of, making everyone who came forget life for a while and laugh their asses off.  This summer, while I took that next step at JVC Orientation in Indianapolis, my cast members got ready for yet another off-Broadway production, this time at the much acclaimed Fringe festival in NYC.  Big deal for a little show from the Blackbox at Fordham.  As I spent my first moments and days in South Dakota, they were killing it in their first shows, making the same waves we did nearly a year before.  I am so happy for them, and proud of them.  And my heart hurts to not be there, celebrating with them and going through it all with them.

Towards the end of my senior year, I was a part of a band that absolutely helped make my year.  The Keating Steps will always have my heart, and they have spoiled music for me, because I'm not sure I'll ever find such a great group of people - of friends - to play with again.  Watching them this year?  Killing it.  Music videos, tons of concerts, triple-booked in one night, photo-shoots - just rockin it.  The love and spirit of that family (get it guys?) trickles out to everyone around them.  You can't help but clap and laugh and have a good time.  it is absolutely contagious.  Seeing them starting to write their won music, add fiddles and accordions, all good things that make my heart swell for them with pride - and hurt for my absence.  There are many a day I rock around in my room, by myself, imaging them all there with me, belting out a chorus of "Leave Your Troubles" at the top of our lungs, full archway in front of us and the best time had by all.

None of this is to say that I wish I could be anywhere other than right where I am.  I am occupying the exact space at this time that I need to be in.  But much in the same way that F. Scott Fitzgerald said that the mark of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time and still function - well, I think the same for our desires.  The ability to hold equal and opposite desires, emotions and feelings in one's heart at the same time.  Immense joy and gratitude for my current experience, and large amounts of pain and longing at what I am missing.

Holding everything in one heart, all the complexities of being human.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sa2HoXpsE