So, I have finally managed to break one of my frustrating habits, that of not using or opening up new notebooks for ideas (blank white pages are intimidating, and again, sometimes that potential is more appealing than actually doing it). Now I have an idea book! Which is great, because now I can write out all of the thoughts and ideas I want to flesh out on here that I usually would have forgotten!
This topic has to do with an important paradox that I am still trying to wrap my head around, or at least learn how to live with. I am talking about the paradox of self-growth.
When talking with a friend the other day about a recurring issue that I had been struggling with, he told me: "You're only human... there's a difference between fighting yourself and growing."
Now, this isn't the first time I had heard this, both from others and from myself. As humans, and I believe especially as people raised in American culture, we are not taught how to deal with ourselves - that is to say, how to deal with our whole selves. And we are complicated.
Full of boundless compassion and seething anger; deep sadness and soaring joy; pitiful weakness and glorious strength; a desire for closeness and an aversion to being vulnerable; insatiable curiosity and a fear of the unknown. We are complicated. In fact, I would go as far as to say that we are a paradox. It is something that truly amazes me, how such diversity and difference can simultaneously exist in a single entity.
Too many times, when feeling angry or alone, I have tried to say "this isn't the real me." But how could it not be? I has taken me a long time to even begin to try and accept who I am - all of who I am - light and dark, good and bad. I am the same person in all of my various moods or experiences. I am still Michael, and all of those things make up the totality of who I am.
Now, I do not think this is some fatalistic view. I don't believe we should just throw up our hands and resign ourselves to be the things we don't like about ourselves, or the things we don't want to be. There is still definitely room for us to grow and improve on these things. But we can't grow unless we accept all who we are, good and bad.
How does that make any sense? I have no idea, and a lot of the times I don't think it does!! But I have found it to be true in my own life In order to change, I have had to accept myself as I am first. Maybe it had something to do with fully encountering myself and all that entails. Maybe it allows for a freedom from the image of my ideal self and instead allows me to deal with myself as I concretely am.
There was a lot of wisdom in my friends words. As a culture, we are too violent. Even if we do not physically attack or harm others, that is is only a certain type of violence. We are too violent with ourselves. We seek to aggressively cut out the parts of us that we don't like, violently rejecting parts of ourselves, leaving us with gaps and holes that cause us more pain. As a culture we are sold quick fixes to things we do not like, things we do not want. We push away people and experiences that cause us pain or discomfort, removing them from our vision and lives, essentially insulating ourselves. We are sold images, fantastical ideals to pine for and dream about, but these only serve to distract us from the reality of who we are, making us unable to engage with and shape that reality.
I have learned I need to be gentle with myself. To accept, not to fight myself, and to grow in the process of trying to accept that. How can I expect to grow in a holistic and positive way if I hack myself to pieces to reject along the way?
Maybe I am wrong on this, but in my own experience, this is a bit of wisdom that I have certainly come to appreciate.
There is a Cherokee tale that I very much appreciate that would serve well here:
The Wolf You Feed
An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me.. it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."
"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too", he added.
The Grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed."
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