This blog has already been extremely fruitful for my own reflection and self-awareness, as it puts positive pressure on me to carry out with more rigorous and in depth self-examination and continual discovery of who I am and what I believe. Part of the reason I have chosen to participate in JVC, to ship myself halfway across the country to live simply, is so that I might more fully begin to uncover the fullness of who I am as a person, the talents and weaknesses that I possess, to stand boldly in front of my fears and to learn what it means for me to truly live.
While I wait for the moment when I will ship to South Dakota to arrive, I have begun to reflect and try and make myself more aware of some of these fears, of some of my talents. I noticed something today that I have known for some time, but that I have never had the resolve to drag out into the light and really examine.
For days now, I have been hesitant to start reading another book. Part of it is that I am tired from work, sure. But I know that a bigger part is some absolutely bizarre and irrational fear or neuroses that I have. So far, I have already read four books this summer, immensely enjoying all of them and quite happy that I took the time to read them. Now, next up on my list are books that I love and want to re-read, or, are those that I have desired to read for quite some time. The list includes The Alchemist, The Power of Myth, Into the Wild, On the Road, The Celestine Prophesy, and Passion for Peace. I have been extremely excited to read all of these, some because I love them from previous readings and need to refresh my knowledge, others because they have come highly recommended and are about subjects that really get me going.
The thing is, now that I have the time and space to start them, I have been completely resistant. I have not been able to just bring myself to read them, making excuse after excuse as to why I need to wait, or why now is not the right moment.
This is not just something that applies to books. With new clothing I will often wait days, even weeks before wearing them, afraid to use them (which is bizarre, because that is exactly why I got them in the first place).
Maybe it is an issue of attachment. Perhaps I am more attached to these things, or my ideas of them, than I even am able to realize. I think sometimes it is easier to live this uncommitted half-life, always about to do something rather than actually doing it. This way, there is always potential, always something to think on or look toward, without ever having to put in the work or effort to do something. This is certainly something I hope to begin working on now, continuing to do so on my journey to the Rosebud.
Are there any bizarre habits you have that you feel you might like to let go of? Maybe we can work on ourselves together, serving as encouragement and support along the way. I sure know I could use some of that!
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