Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has been on my mind over the course of the last week.  not necessarily because I am dwelling on any particular injury or wrong that has been done to me, but rather, due to events occurring around me.

"Forgive others not so much because they deserve to be forgiven, but because you deserve peace."  I have seen this quote floating around the Facebook universe lately, and it is one that causes me to stop and think - who is forgiveness really for?  We can't really offer to others cosmic forgiveness, our words do not erase any pain or guilt a person may feel - while certainly helpful, the final work has to be done by each individual, to move on and let go.  The same goes with us.  We can hear those words of forgiveness, but until we allow ourselves an interior letting go, a true "self-forgiveness" of sorts, we won't feel that freedom that comes from self-acceptance.

I am privileged to stand and witness the wide range of life that I do out here, and that's not just semantics.  It is the truth.

There have been some tough times here on the Rez within the last two weeks, as word came out that two people were murdered.  Growing up in New York, violence of this type is not unfamiliar, if not personally, then at least through the media.  Living a small-town life, hopwever, where almost everyone knows everyone else (and in the case of the Rez, where everyone knows you AND your entire family), the sort of shocking quality of such events are brought sharply into focus.

I went to the funeral to pay respects and show support for the community and the family.  It is one of those types of things that affect an entire community, so going just made sense.  I sat in the back as I usually do, just listening and reflecting.  One of the elder's spoke, first in Lakota, then in English.  What he said sort of blew me away, made ME uncomfortable, because it was so raw and demanding - and true.

He told the family to look around, at all the people who were there to support them - these are your family, whoa re here in your difficult times.  At the pall bearers, who were to step up and be there even more intimately for the family, to be adopted as sons and uncles and fathers.  And he spoke to the family.  In the modern incarnation of the Lakota tradition, the four days after a person passes are very important - the family and those mourning must pay extra attention to how the act and behave, how they think.  Only good words are to be spoken, only positive thoughts.  This behavior both affects the family and the spirit of the person who has passed - people must act in a way that allows the spirit to move on in its journey. 

So he tells them - you need to forgive the people who did this.  You can't hold that bitterness in your hearts, that anger, it has to be let go. 

I'm sitting in the back just floored.  At the funeral.  No time to mess around, just get to the heart of it - holding in that resentment will be destructive.  I'm not sure that I would ever have enough courage to say that in such a situation, even though I fully believe it.

Naturally, forgiveness was the topic of the JDC this week.  It was so prominent in my mind that I figured I should ask these gurus, my spiritual teachers as of late.  We started in silence, as we do each time.  There is something really beautiful and awe-inspiring about watching these kids be still - they are normally so anxious and filled with life, ragging on each other (mostly me) and moving around their seats, unable to just sit still and be - so to watch them fall into contemplative silence is pretty amazing, and powerful.  It's Holy.

We finish praying and I introduce the topic.  Explain why it has been on my mind, the context of all that has happened within the last few weeks.  They get it, we talk about it, and they have some really insightful things to say.  They know that forgiveness is really about allowing yourself to heal and release toxic feelings that we hold - and they also know that, even though it might be best to forgive, it's still hard to let go of bad feelings that have become comfortable.  They're wise, these ones.

But here, I come to the end of my reflection.  Another moment that took my breath away, that I could only watch and smile, and tear up a little.  I assign them their writing topic - who they want to ask forgiveness from, and who they need to forgive, concentrating on what is keeping them chained down and unable to live freely.  Everyone puts their head down and sets into their writing.  I start thinking of my own list, when suddenly a voice is speaking across the room.

One of the girls is speaking while she is writing.  Almost unconsciously, like the words are just coming out. The general idea goes as such:

"I need to forgive my parents.  The house I grew up in was bad, it was a hard place to grow up.  I am carrying around a lot of anger about it, and it is eating me up.  My mom came to visit today, and we hugged when it was time for her to go.  She tried to pull away quick, but I held on, I just wouldn't let her go.  'Gee,' she said, shocked, 'you haven't hugged me like that in a long time.'  So I told her that I really missed her, and she again said 'Gee, you haven't said that in a long time to me.'  And as she had to leave I started to cry, and I told her I loved her.  'Gee, I can't remember the last time you said that to me.'  I just want to go home.  I want to be a better mom to my own son, so he doesn't have to grow up and hate me."

She was tearing up, red in her eyes while she said it.  We just locked eyes and she told it how it is - in front of a room of her peers, something that takes an incredible amount of courage.  That's real.  And that is a lot for a 16 year old to carry.

But these kids show me every single time I go there what life is about, what true forgiveness could like, what healing looks like.  What hope looks like.