Choosing

Major shout out to the Jesuit Volunteer Core Midwest staff, for knowing exactly how and when to light a fire under my ass.  Re-Orientation came at a perfect time for me, and brought a string of very important realizations to carry forward with me into the rest of my experience in South Dakota this year.

I learned quickly that with distance, comes clarity.  I have spent the entirety of the last 6 months on the Rosebud reservation, never leaving for more than 3 days at a time.  For the last week, a total of almost 10 days, I was in the Chicagoland area, first in the city and then down to the suburbs for a retreat.

What a grace, and a huge privilege.  I am a firm believer that too much time spent in any place without without distance can lead to a real narrowing of perspective.  I recognize that not everyone has the ability to just pick up and leave their space easily, and that others have no desire to do so.  For me, however, I have certainly found that taking space from a place is important to see it more clearly.

Being in Chicago helped me to realize a number of things.  First, that I really am a city boy.  I love the rush and whirl of people, the moving traffic, and the gruff demeanor of the inhabitants.  Midwest cities have a certain charm that I appreciate, where they manage to be both hostile and welcoming all at the same time.  I realized how much I appreciate the chance to see live music, attend comedy shows, drink good beer in cool pubs, ride public transit, and get lost in a crowd.  All these things that fill me up and bring me joy.  Which is to say, I struggle in South Dakota.  Perhaps I didn't realize how much so, but I am in a desert - a cultural and spiritual desert, one where I am deprived of the things I have become so accustomed to relying on for joy and energy.  It was important for me to get the fullness of this picture into my head, and more importantly, into my heart.

I also realized how much I appreciate and relied upon easy relationships.  You know, the people who you hit it off with immediately, connect with on that deep soul level almost effortlessly.  I never realized how much I valued those relationships, and how much I took them for granted in my life.  I love my community mates.  Mike and Jessica have been and will continue to be two of the most important people in my life to date.  But if you ask any of us whether our relationships were "easy" and "effortlessly soul deep," you'd probably be met with laughter.  Despite real deep love on all of our parts, learning to understand each other has been a difficult task, especially for me.  I realized fully how much I had been distracting myself over the last few months - how often I retreated into technology, be it phone or computer, in order to not have to be present to the demands of community life, to what I was persistently perceiving as a struggle.

Re-O helped me understand that there is a big difference between committing and choosing.  Angie Moloney, my Program Coordinator and general life motivator, laid it out clearly for me - until you choose your community mates, until you choose your placement, until you choose the Rez, it will continue to be only a struggle and burden.

What the hell?  What do you mean "until I choose?"  I've been there for 6 months already!  I show up to all our community events, I check in with my housemates and make sure they are doing OK, I go to work and do all the things that are expected of me. I'm doing it - right?

I was doing exactly what it sounded like - showing up, doing what was expected of me.  Honoring my commitment.  Toughing it out, pushing through, making it work.  That is not the same as choosing.

I learned at Re-O the concept of the "cash value" of a choice.  When given the option of an apple or an orange, the cost of choosing an apple is not having the experience of an orange.  If you only like apples, well, that isn't much of a cost.  But when faced with two clear GOODS, to things that are desired, that decision becomes very hard.  Almost painful.

For me, I was choosing not to choose.  I was choosing to "stick it out" and remove any possibility of owning my situation as my own, taking my housemates as my own by choice and not simple happenstance.  I was choosing to give up my freedom to choose and simply to see myself as victim of circumstance, forced to deal with whatever life brought my way.

There is truth to that - I can't control life, and I do have to try and work with much of what I am given.  But there is a very subtle difference between simply seeing myself as needing to deal with what's in front of me as opposed to choosing what's in front of.

Chicago helped me to realize what I was choosing.  Despite all these realizations of how much I enjoy city life, how much relationships I have in other places sustain, I can confidently say that here, on the Rez, with Mike and Jessica, is exactly where I want to be.  I understand that cash value of my decision.  I understand all the things I am choosing to miss out on experiencing at this time in my life.  And I am OK with that.  In fact, I am still finding joy in this choice - even as I balance it with the sadness of the missed experiences.  There is now room for both, for a full heart to experience ALL of the things God is offering at this time.

Taking ownership of where I am and who I am with is one of the most important things I could have done entering into the second half of this year.  I feel a fire in my belly that I haven't felt since the beginning of this experience.  There is a renewed sense of purpose and of joy.  Nothing has changed but my perspective.  All the crap that bothered me before is still there, and probably will continue to bother me, but at this time, I am choosing to own it and love it rather than simply grit my teeth and bear it.

Hoka-he!